At Some Point You've Got To Start

Today was the day I tried to be productive.

Today was also the day I failed to be productive.

I realised I have far too many days like this. You see I’m a very sneaky human being, I try to trick myself into thinking I am doing something worthwhile by watching videos on and of things that are supposed to be inspiring to me. While these things do have the desired effect and do make me want to pick up a pen, camera, or guitar, it’s never quite enough and then I’m right back to square one, except this time I’m feeling even worse because I have this desire to create but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it.

Forcing yourself to be productive is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but also having to face that you’ve spent yet another day in a position that isn't any closer to where you want to be is also hard. As I write this, my mum is downstairs of the treadmill. If you were a member of my family you'd realise how truly inspiring this is. 

This post is an act of defiance, an act rebellion against myself. I thought by collecting this feeling of frustration and turning it into a collation of (semi) coherent words, I will have somehow convinced myself that I haven’t wasted my entire day. I guess I haven’t because while I haven’t done any of the things I was meant to do today, I have realised something. Every time I've thought about actually putting pen to paper, eyes to a page or fingers on strings today, I felt this sinking feeling in my stomach and I think I’ve finally realised what it is.

It’s fear.

It’s the fear that whatever I do will be anything other that great. But I read something today that said that the next thing I write doesn’t have to be my magnum opus or the next thing I draw doesn’t have to be the Mona Lisa. It just has to exist and I just has to be mine.

So every day I want to challenge myself. Scratch that, I want to publicly make a commitment to myself to create at least one thing every day. To read at least one thing a day. It doesn’t have to great or anything more than a pile of shit. It just has to be something.

I want to promise myself that I’m not going to let myself become an obstacle in achieving my own dreams and goals. DSLR guide said that at some point you’ve got to start and I’m laughing to myself right now because I was just about to write, “and that day is tomorrow.”  That day is today.

I just caught sight of my Keep Calm and Carry On book and I decided to do that thing where the first page you open becomes the mantra for your whole life and it just so happens that the page I turned to was this completely apt quote by Aristotle:

happiness depends on ourselves

And while Aristotle and I have had quite a rocky relationship in the past, today he’s spot on. My happiness depends on myself so I’m going to go out, finish this post, and make my own happiness.

New Year | Thoughts, Reflection and Rambling

So it’s that time of year again, when we all reflect on the year we’ve had and either cry with disappointment or pat ourselves on the back. I’ve always loved the start of the year. I can always feel an electricity in the air because everyone’s bursting with hope and excitement about the upcoming year even if it is just a “I hope it’s not as shit as the last one.”

Every time someone asks me about my year I always automatically say, “uhh it was alright” because usually all my years range from pretty crap to alright, but this year I actually had a pretty decent year despite what my mouth says. I went through some pretty big changes and I really think I’ve grown and learned so much more about who I am and how I fit into this world and also how to exist in this world as someone completely and thoroughly true to my self.

So let’s look back at some of the things I’m proud of this year.

I started University

This perhaps wasn’t my most thought out decision but I think I heard someone say that all the best ideas happen in the spur of the moment. I picked a course I really didn’t know much about and landed myself right in the deep end and it actually payed off. I never would have thought it but I actually like going to Uni and learning. I like learning. This degree really has changed me for the better and I’m really thankful even though my heart is still really pushing me towards design communication.

I had my own exhibition

I keep downplaying this in my head but it was actually a pretty big deal for me. I mean I actually had an exhibition in the Auckland Festival of Photography.

I got into the Top Art exhibition and got an Outstanding Scholarship in photography

Another thing I downplay a lot. Photography was just something I tried because I couldn’t draw and I like to hoard physical things, and I wanted to be able to hoard the beautiful things I saw too, so to see that other people actually thought what I did was actually half decent was pretty cool.

Challenged myself creatively

This year was a bit of a slack one creatively, but while I didn’t pursue my big passions, (photography and writing) I did get a little more into film, even though that was mainly making a few crappy make-shift videos.

Made new friendships

I met a LOT of people this year, and it was a lot I’m not going to lie. However, I think this was a good thing for me as person because I’m not as afraid of people as I used to be.

Got a Job

This is most definitely the thing I’m happiest about. Money used to put such a strain on me. I wasn’t able to do a lot of the things everyone else could do and I always felt pressure because I had to say no to things not because I didn’t like someone’s company, but because I didn’t have the means to. Getting a job hasn’t just helped me financially but personally too and I’ve loved that I can help my family out with things and be a little more independent.

Natural Hair Journey

Lordy lord, my hair’s come a long way and this year is officially my 4^th year anniversary of being relaxer free and my 2^nd year of being fully natural. It’s been good to get to know my hair a little more and I can’t help but feel a little more myself because of it.

Sang at an event

This was definitely a highlight just because it made me remember how much I actually do like singing and performing and it reignited a passion that I thought had retired to a gentle simmer.

So now the looking back’s all done and dusted it’s time to look forward, even though the thought terrifies me. I remember I was sitting in some assembly at my old high school and they’d invited some guy to come and speak and inspire us or something and I guess it kind of worked on me because something he said really stayed me with me.

Where you start isn’t where you’re going to end up.

I don’t know why but that phrase has given me comfort, just in everything.

In the last few days of year I used to sit down and write down a list of resolutions as long as your arm, but last year I tried something different. This was mainly because when I sat down to review the list the following year, it was always kind of disappointing. I think planning your life out like that is a little dangerous, because when you look back at your list and you haven’t accomplished a lot of things on it, you equate it to failure. But I’ve learned that not being able to tick a few things of a list does not mean you have failed at life, it just means you haven’t ticked a few things off a list.

I’ve seen a few people focus their year around a central idea or a world, so I decided to follow suit and after having a long hard think I have settled on two words for the year.

Wholehearted and Make

In the past I’ve been a little bit of a passenger and I really haven’t had much of a passion for life and this year I want that to change and I want my life to be something that I actually like being present for (funny that).

So here we go, lets see if it works out this year.

Wish me luck.

First (kind of crappy) Vlog

Howdy. So here is is, my very first vlog. Now I am by no means proud of this, I had all these plans to make it this huge project and put all sorts of jazziness in it but in the end I just flicked my camera on and talked in front of it. No plan, no script, nothing. This is just a little bit about the highs of last year and what I want to focus on this year all wrapped up in a really messy package, try and bear with me.